The Onion

I don’t know what’s come over me lately. Maybe it’s the inevitability of spring or maybe it’s just cabin fever after a long winter, but I’ve become quite loquacious of late, talking to just about anybody who’ll listen. 

I’ve never been much of a conversationalist, unless the subject matter has something to do with crisis; then I am in my element. It’s a character trait I’ve been dealing with since I was a kid: unless alarm bells are going off and sirens are ringing, it’s hard to get too excited about things.

No doubt it’s an outgrowth of being the child of an alcoholic, raised under a cloud of uncertainty and trauma; yet even with plenty of therapy and many years of sobriety after my own bout with alcoholism, it’s been difficult to dig myself out from under such an habitual approach. 

It’s beneficial in some venues, however, such as an AA meeting, where there’s always somebody who’s in some kind of crisis or another, or on the suicide prevention hotline where I volunteer. But, what of those many hours spent in relative quietude, the long stretches in between the inevitable crises?

Recovery from alcoholism has often been compared to the peeling of an onion, layer by layer, tears and all, and it seems this newfound willingness to communicate may represent another layer of fear that has been stripped away, something I’ve been praying and meditating about for some time.

Fear has been a dominant emotion in my life, with a system of tributaries carrying it like silt into just about every corner of my personality. In particular, it has had a powerful effect on my relationships with others, eroding my trust and carving into the bedrock of how I relate to friends, family, and strangers. Fear has always been like a finger pressed up against my lips, a voice whispering “Shhhh” into my ear. “Don’t say anything.”

I’m amazed that it’s taken so long to lift, that there are so many layers to this onion I’ve become, yet, what’s most important to me is the awareness that recovery continues to happen, if I let it. It’s possible to work through the fear, to chip away at it bit by bit, to redirect the flow of my life into more positive channels.

So, perhaps this new loquacity is a good thing, a way of connecting with people even if there aren’t alarm bells going off. And who knows? Maybe after a few more layers of the onion I’ll become an accomplished conversationalist after all.