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She Forged a Closer Bond with Her Mom
A daughter finds common ground and healing with her ailing mother.
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Mom's eyesight was deteriorating, but I didn't know just how bad it had gotten until I saw her stooped in the one-bedroom in-law apartment attached to our house, reaching to pick up something off the floor.
She grabbed at it, then studied her empty thumb and forefinger with a puzzled expression. Again she tried to pinch the glimmering spot on her living-room rug. Nothing.
Frowning, she turned to me. Behind the thick lens of her glasses her blue-green eyes clouded with concern. "Mom," I said, "it's just a patch of sunlight."
She shook her head, wary to admit something was wrong. That much I could be grateful for. Her attitude was always positive, even determined. She took the challenges of getting old in stride. "I guess we need to talk," she said.
Back when she first moved in with us, I didn't know what it would be like. She was in her late 70s, fiercely independent, and I was a mom raising two kids in the suburbs.
We hadn't lived under the same roof since I left for college. We were unalike in so many ways. She was disorganized and spontaneous, I was a bit of a control freak.
My idea of fun as a girl was alphabetizing the books in my bedroom while she loved to spend a whole afternoon shopping, especially if there was a sale. I thought it was an incredible waste of an afternoon.
In junior high I insisted that my shirt and skirt had to match exactly. "Don't be afraid to mix things up," Mom would say. "Everything doesn't have to match." Oh, yes it did.
But all that was long ago. What would it be like having her right here with us? She liked to entertain friends at the drop of a hat. She loved it when people dropped in unexpectedly for tea and a chat. I liked having company too, but I preferred advance notice. Twenty-four hours. Minimum.
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At least her apartment adjoining our house had its own kitchen, its own bathroom and its own entries. It makes sense to have her move in, I told myself. Now that she was older, I wouldn't worry so much about her if she were next door. We could get right to her if there were some emergency. Still, I wondered. After so many years apart, we were such different people. And she was so independent.
The kids were thrilled to have "Mama B" so close, the fridge covered with their artwork and filled with treats. We made sure Mom had her own mailbox and phone, and soon she had her own friends.
I could hear their laughter through the wall and the sound of the whistling teakettle. I could peek through the window and see the table she had set for her bridge group, mixing the different patterns of china and glassware. So like Mom. For a moment I wished I could be so creative.
We found ways to help her deal with her macular degeneration. My husband, Tom, installed bright halogen lights in her living room. My sister, Laurrie, sent away for a special telephone with big-print numbers.
We used colorful plastic adhesive buttons to identify the proper settings on her thermostat and microwave. She was able to be independent and so was I. She could still spend the whole afternoon shopping at a department store sale if she wanted.
Then came that morning I saw her picking a spot of sunlight off the floor. "Maybe I need more help than I thought," Mom said. I took a deep breath.
"Yes," I said, "I guess so." I should have been prepared for this, but I wasn't. I thought things could stay as they were. Mom was going blind, and the doctors said nothing more could be done. I retreated to my kitchen and said a prayer for strength.
Guideposts Contributing Editor Kathryn Slattery has written numerous books; she self-published her most recent, Heart Songs (2011), through Guideposts' Inspiring Voices. Discover how you can publish your own inspirational story at their website, where you can also learn more about Inspiring Voices' book publishing contest.
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Your Comments
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story! My Mom has been gone just over one year and i miss her more than i could ever have imagined . . . she also had macular degeneration, but what finally got her was bladder cancer.
Her bladder was removed and she had to wear a bag, which had to be changed a couple of times a week. I remember thinking how horrible it was, but Mom went ahead like a real trooper! She always managed with whatever she was given.
I know that she and my Daddy are together in heaven now, and that gives all of us a measure of peace, although we miss them so much.
Thanks again for sharing your story -- you've no idea how many lives you touch with it . . .
Dear Eva and Friends,
Again, I am so touched by your comments... Yes, we can all be so comforted knowing our loved ones are in heaven with our loving Lord, happy, healthy and thriving! :^ ) Again, I am so glad you liked the story and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share!
Love & Prayers & Blessings,
Kitty Slattery
I just cried as I read this story. My mom passed away in December 6, 1999. I had feelings for my mom and missed her more after she died. How I wish I could relive my life and tell mom I loved her, although she knew I did, I would tell her more often. Great story.
Thanks to ALL of you for your beautiful stories. They so eased my heart. :-)
If you can read this story and not cry, you aren't human. The tenderness that this mother and daughter show for each other is what an ideal world is like. The day will come for me with my mother and I can only hope that it will be as kind and gentle as it was for this daughter.
My Mom is 82 and struggling with diabetes.
Ms. Kathryn Slattery's article reminds me to spend more time with her - pray and eat with her, and help prepare her for that moment spiritually. I have to be strong too so I wold be spiritually prepared when her time comes... I felt an ache in my heart after reading the article, but I know God has a purpose why I chanced upon this today.. . I invite the concerned to pray for senior citizens that they may have peace in their hearts and come back to God... Thank you Guideposts for including me in your mailing list.
Luisita Peralta, Philippines
My Friend in Vancouver sent this to me and your article and sharing really helped me. My Mother is dying and I came to realize these past 5 years since her illness and before this that Healing childhood wounds, learning to be in conversation together, even in the most challenging times is possible. Over four years ago, I began a deep process for myself both therapudically and through mindfulness meditation that taught me about compassion and love. This was foreign for me and it first had to begin with myself which has been an ongoing process. I have had the honor to come back home to me and to my mother. I am here now as my mother is dying, present in away that is sacred. I shared with her tonight my feelings and thoughts and how honored I am to have her as my mother. I also realized that the way she is transitioning is her way and not to enforce my own spiritual values. it is not my process, two years ago she asked me to be her voice. I stepped in and I am her voice with her. When she dies I have few regrets and many joys, and this I could not see years ago. I apologized from a place of compassion and presence to her tonight as she also endured many struggles with our family and me in our lives together. Her face softened. I am grateful to be here to witness this process with her. I shared with my mother that when she is no longer here, she will always be in my heart, soul, breath and we are embodied until we meet again. Today I received a beautiful gift, for the past 2 1/2 days she has been somewhat still. When I bent over to kiss her she turned and smiled at me, making eye contact. this is a very precious time. warmly
sheri
Thanks for all the good stories. I enjoyed all them but "The Kindness of Angels" really did touch my heart, and my husband said that it touched his heart too. He want to see an angel so bad but he may have already seen his angel and just doesn't realize it yet. I believe there are angels all around us.
So many times it seem the stories in Guideposts are just what I am needing. Thank you all, Ann
You are so right. Being with someone as they leave this life feels like being with someone as they give birth. It is a singular experience and so bittersweet. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Now I have to clean my glasses -- they're all wet!
I am so grateful for your story. I am a care giver for my Mom who is 95 and I know our days together are "numbered" so to speak. I also know that God has given us this time and so we must live each day with her presence and be ever thankful. Your story affirmed what I know is so true.
I hope you have more shopping trips and enjoy them all, thinking of your Mom.
You cannot imagine how badly I needed your story today. I have left my home in another city and state to come to my hometown to take care of my mother who has macular degneraton and is losing her eyesight and my dad who has alzheimers and a serious heart condition. I've been here over a year now and never dreamed I would stay this long. It's the toughest job I've ever had but I am so grateful for the sweet time with my parents. My mom is like the energizer bunny and will not "give up" and I am so thankful. Your story touched me right down to the depths of my soul. Thank you so much for sharing Please pray for us, as I have no income whatsoever during this time and it's getting harder and harder to live. Thanks.
Have you checked out all the resorces available in your new area? The county may have things in place to help you. Often medical insurence will pay you to be a caregiver. If your Dad is a veteran there should be some help for you. Is there a support group in your area for caregivers? A support group can help you get information to help in the area. I have always found that if a person doesn't need support they should be there anyway to support someone else. Don't forget How much God loves you and continue to let His Light shine through you.
I am praying for you that God will give you strenght and that He'll provide for you. TRUST in HIM with ALL your HEART!! lean not on your own understanding. He will make your paths straight.
Blessings to you and your parents!!
Dear Friends,
Oh, I am so touched and grateful that you enjoyed this story... Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughtful and heartfelt comments! Please know that you and your beautiful family members are in my thoughts and prayers, and again, thank you for your wonderful comments.
Blessings Always,
Kitty Slattery
I just lost my mom on Valentines Day and unlike this beautiful story, my sister and I were not able to be present in her dying moments. We wonder what it must have been like for her without us there. Its so fortunate that their family was present and were asked to help guide their mother home. Sometimes our loved ones will wait for family to be gathered around and say their final goodbyes. I wish my mother could have held on just alittle longer.
I espress great thanks for the sharing of this experience. Life is short but am so grateful to my faith that allows me to beleive that life for both our mothers has only just begun.
Amazing! To have one's own mother ask to help
her pass from death into eternal life. Sometimes
we think there is nothing we can offer at such a time,
yet in this touching story, this independent mom asked
her daughter for something only she could give, which
was to support her, be emotionally present as she died.
That is temendously beautiful to me.
Thank you for this piece. I'm watching a dear friend decline after 13 years of an aggressive fight with cancer that has now spread to the rest of her body. J has 3 daughters, 2 of whom seem to be in denial about their Mom's health. J is only 61, and such a blessing to so many. I pray all three of her girls one day soon see the light and spend more time with their Mom. I lost my own Mom almost 25 years ago, and I miss her like crazy.
I normally read stuff and do not comment, but this really hit home. I lost my dear mother a little over a month ago- she had congestive heart failure and kept it hidden from everyone. She was only 62. I thank God that the last conversation I had with her the night before she died was a good one- we were joking and laughing. The next day she asked my step dad to make her a glass of tea. When he came back, he thought she was sleeping. She drifted away in about 30 minutes. I miss her everyday. Thank you for sharing your story.
Very touching story......for those who may have a similar health challenges before them, I suggest they look at progress being made in the High Desert Heart Institute in Victorville CA ,Dr. Siva and Dr.Joseph Prendergast (who I have met) have made excellent progress with congestive heart disease and more.Lots of info on web and youtube....I hope it is ok to submit this comment Tim O Driscoll
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
.... Tears ....
This article is so touching and reminds me to spend every moment I can with my precious 93 year old mother. She has atrial fibrillation, osteoarthritis, and is losing her eyesight due to macular degeneration. She still lives alone, with my sisters and I checking on her often . We call her on the phone every day and evening and one sister buys her groceries each week since she is unable to walk very much. She used to draw and paint every day, but can't see well enough to do that any longer. She has no dementia, which is wonderful, at her age. My mother has a very positive attitude despite all her ailments and pain in her hips. My 4 sisters and I are so blessed to have a God-fearing christian mother.
These last years living with my father have been a gift. Finding time to spend with his four children was difficult when I was young since he worked two jobs; an accountant for the IRS during the day and a bookkeeping teacher in the night school program in the evenings. Since I retired three years ago he as been living with me and I have had the time to see how he is able to find the good in each day despite having aches and pains, missing my mom, and dealing with the realities of dementia. I feel honored to learn first hand how to grow old graciously. On the 22nd of this month we'll celebrate his 94th amazing year on this Earth!
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