The Church Next Door Gave Her Something to Live For
A despondent woman, dealing with depression and a failing marriage, is saved by faith and friendship.
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printSunday morning, eleven o’clock. I slipped into the church just before the doors closed. Perfect. I won’t have to talk to anyone. Bellevue United Methodist was right behind our house, but the only time my husband, Michael, and I usually set foot inside was to vote since it doubled as our polling place.
I’d told him I was coming here today. What I didn’t tell him was that this was my last stop before I ended my life. I was done—with our unhappy marriage, with my misery, with the pain of living. I sank into an empty pew and stared at the floor. How had things gotten this bad?
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Michael and I had wanted to see what life was like outside our home state of Mississippi. So three years earlier, we’d moved here to Nashville. Things started off great. We landed jobs at a local TV station—me as a copywriter, Michael as a cameraman—and settled into our new house.
Living next to the church brought me an inexplicable sense of peace—inexplicable because I wasn’t a churchgoer. And the God I knew didn’t evoke feelings of peace and comfort. No, the God I learned about growing up was vengeful and angry, waiting for me to mess up so he could punish me.
“If you sin,” my Sunday school teacher warned us, “God will send you to hell.” I wanted to hide from a God like that! As soon as I was old enough to have a choice, I quit going to church. Luckily, Michael never had any interest in going either.
From the outside it looked like we had it all—a nice home, great jobs, the perfect life. Not exactly. Once the newlywed euphoria wore off, reality set in. A reality neither of us wanted to admit: We were better off as friends than as husband and wife.
Our differences, which hadn’t seemed like a big deal when we were dating (“opposites attract,” we used to say with a laugh), drove such a wedge between us that I couldn’t remember what we had in common besides not going to church.
The more I tried to talk to Michael, the more he withdrew. We’d blow up at each other over superficial things, masking the real issues in our relationship. “It’s always messy in here!” Michael would bark. “Can’t you clean up for once?”
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“Deal with it!” I’d snap. “Not everything can be perfect all the time.”
Depression, which I’d battled on and off since I was a teen, came back like a tidal wave, knocking me lower than I’d ever been. I couldn’t find joy in anything. Not my marriage, obviously. Not my work. Not even a sunny day. Snap out of it, I’d tell myself. But I couldn’t.
Michael and I fell into the habit of coming home from work and tiptoeing around each other. Guilt consumed me. I’d seen so many other couples go through problems and come out stronger. What was wrong with us? With me?
We hadn’t made any friends in the area. I had no one to turn to except a God I had convinced myself was a cruel tyrant.
Lord, are you listening? I asked desperately one night maybe three years into our marriage. Do you care about me at all? I can’t keep it together anymore. I’m exhausted. Please help. What was the use? I’d fallen so far off God’s radar he probably thought I was a lost cause.
I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. There was only one way out: I would take a whole bottle of painkillers and slowly drift away. Like falling asleep, closing my eyes and never opening them again. My plan filled me with relief. But Michael...how would he handle things without me around?
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Your Comments (15)
Thank you for sharing your story, Carol. I am in my early 20's and my boyfriend's teenage brother struggles with depression. He recently attempted suicide and it has been very difficult for me and all of his loved ones. Your story gave me hope for his recovery and reminded me to pray that he sees our God is always a loving and forgiving God.
This is beautiful!! What a great reminder that God puts us right where he wants us! If we let Him lead us there!! No one is doomed! I am so thankful that He gives me a clean slate everyday!! I am not that easy on myself!!! I am just so glad He loves me unconditionally!!!
Catholics are not the only ones to make religion scary. I was raised as a Baptist, and was told growing up that God sees all that I do, and i would be punished and go to hell if I didn't do as I should. Thats a scary thing to any child who is just a kid being a kid. My paternal grandmother would just say, God doesn't like ugly, and I thought that more appropriate. I love knowing that my God is a loving God, and I find so much happiness through him. My husband almost died from congestive heart failure 2 years ago, and my faith in God held me steadfast, even when they kept saying he needed to come off the ventilator. Now, he is healthier than he has ever been, and we live to praise him. I loved your story Carol, and read it aloud to my husband. I shed tears for you, so happy that your life is where you want it to be now. God Bless you.
I am glad Carol had the courage to make a last stop at the church and the Holy Spirit got hold of her. God will never give up on us. He is not a vindictive God but a loving God. And as you get to know Him better, you get to love Him too more and more as you 'walk' with Him. With Him you will never be alone. He won't abandon you/us as He had promised -for He said, He will give us a helper, the 'Holy Spirit, a 'Comforter' to remind us of Him and His teaching and to intercede for us. The Holy Spirit reminded Carol of that verse in Matthew and responded to it. Now you are happy being single again. Sometimes it's lonely to be alone but it's lonelier to be with the wrong partner. Only God can fill that 'whole' of emptiness in our heart. God is like a husband too to those whose husband deserted them. Now that you were 'found', you are no longer 'lost' nor alone. Rest in the Lord Carol. Only in Him you'll find peace and unconditional love.
And friends let me tell you, when we go 'upstairs' God will not be concerned of what kind of religion we have, rather, He will be concerned of our FAITH only. If you read your Bible, the Lord always emphasise on faith. 'You of little faith','if you have faith as big as a mustard seed''everything is possible to those who have faith, etc. Faith without action is dead. So, have faith folks. "For it is by God's grace that you have been saved through FAITH. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God's gift, so that no one can boast about it." Ephesians 2:8-9
Peace and grace to all.
Carol, I am SO glad God guided you through your guardian angel before you took the "big leap". Having had a major depression 13 years ago I can sympathize with how you felt at the time. During such episodes there does not seem to be any other way out of our misery. God knows exactly when to step in and HE did. Thanks be to God!
I am a Catholic. I understand about the fear growing up (in the 1950's) being told by my grandmother that God was taking notes of every little thing I was doing and that I would be severely punished. Hell was mentioned all the time (in church as well). What is a kid to believe??? My grandmother even told me at one point that I had the devil on my back and she was throwing blessed water at me to get rid of it. Believe me, I was not a bad girl at all; just a normal teenager growing up. I kept praying the Virgin Mary and singing hymns to her, and also praying Jesus all the time. My Mom would never have contradicted her mother(respect for her parent), so I was left thinking I was definitely going to hell. I am still a Catholic and amazed that I still am. The teachings have changed tremendously since that time. Today they talk more about the Love of God and His forgiveness for our shortcomings. I am going to HEAVEN!!! :)
I find it hard to believe that a person can affirm God by trashing any church. JHEMP, I am Catholic, a convert, I went to just about every church you can imagine growing up I have been scared to death as a child in an Assembly of God, figured out quickly in the Baptist church that I had to confess to everyone and let me say that was not going to happen. But in the Catholic church I was taught that my god was a loving God, that he only wanted to best for me and I could choose to accept it or I could choose the other. Not once have I heard the Hell Fire and Brimstone sermons of my youth, never have they tried to scare me to God and that is why I joined. Being a Catholic I have learned to look forward to the day my God calls me home, not hide under the covers as I did as a child begging God not to take me because I was not ready. I do not know where you get your ideas.
I can see where JHEMP is coming from. However, I have to say that there are literally millions of people that have found a home, peace, and well-being from a Catholic church. While I do not necessarily agree with all of the doctrines of Catholicism, I believe that God does not look at denominations, he looks at the heart.
It's very sad to read the comments made against the Catholic church. I am a cradle Catholic and have never been subjected to the harsh treatment stated. I have friends in all denominations of Christianity. We all respect each other and leave the judgement up to the Lord. I don't cast stones.
This is for Jhemp,
Have you ever learned the facts about the Catholic Church? It is like many other churches that teach God is our loving Father who loves us unconditionally but expects us to love Him back with our good lives and caring for others. What is wrong with that? We all have our own paths to travel...please don't rip into someone elses' unless you know the total facts.
JRS
wonderful words of love
Ms Terry, I was thrilled to read the words "happily single" within this testimony. I've never married and describe myself in those words exactly.
But single does not mean alone. Like you, I have a church family who loves & supports me in every trial: my mom's death, my own health issues, daily life needs of a wheelchair using woman, etc. God bless both of our church families.
To Jhemp, I don't know where your comment came from which is very negative on the Catholic church; I didn't see in this story Ms Terry mention which church she attended as a child. I was raised Protestant & found the Church of God (Anderson IN hq) & the Baptist church just as vehement re: hell-fire & brimstone sermons. It was a sign of the times, I think, to concentrate on the judgment side of God. Now, I believe, every denomination strives to show equal parts of God's Justice & Mercy. FYI as well, as an adult I became Roman Catholic & this is the church family I speak of in the above paragraph. May you find God's Love in an equally warm, welcoming church that God calls you to.
God bless you, Ms Terry & Jhemp.
Agreed with Joshua ma'am that is a very touching testimony. I've always heard that our testimony is as strong as our witness and your testimony touches my heart with a greater love 4 God Bcuz He is so good all the time and many ppl never make the 1st step like u. Thank you so much .4 sharing ur heart I'm sure it can b a sensitive emotion but ur open-heartedness 2 speak on it has allowed God 2 touch me and I'm sure in anyone else's heart that can ultimately change the perspective of how they perceive God, life, hope, purpose, and so much more. I'm sorry i haven't met u b4 u made this decision, but in a way I'm glad I didn't bcuz u wouldn't know the perfect, unfailing love of God by grace thru faith. Whoa I have much 2 say. God bless u beloved daughter of Our King, Praise Yeshua, Prince of Peace, The Great "I Am"!!
I am inspired. This is a story I should share in our local church and God's people would be blessed it's a whole sermon. God bless you, my beloved sister in the Lord. Remember "it's not over until Jesus says so".
I am so very glad that you listened to your inner voice. Sometimes God has a wonderful way of showing up and taking care of all of us if we only learn to listen to the sweet small voices or even whispers inside us all. It sounds like you have wonderful, faith, filled friends. God Bless you in your New Life, Carol. We are God's Beloved Children always and forever!
Good morning, good sabbath,
I read the story of life just now. Yes this is correct, it is a pitty that a catholic church only cans making people fearing, they only want to show their might, well when one is looking deeper inside of this, one is knowing that this religion is not a religion but ...............
One never has to forget that Satan is in this world und rules it with all his force he can exerce, everything for that "subject" is permitted, as it stands in apocalypse, till the day he will be on court and after that given to fire
Jhemp